LA X

Admit it...how many times did you utter, "WTF?" or an actual expletive during Tuesday's season premiere? My fellow Lost Sussers received many incredulous texts from me, some of which are not fitting to reprint here. Ahem.

But really...WTF? It was 2 hours of almost non-stop "Are you kidding me?" moments. Also, many "Wait, WHAT?" gasps. Let's try to discuss* the first hour for a bit, shall we?

A bit of explanation--the show is clearly employing an "alternate reality" timeline, so we'll review it first before delving into the "Did Juliet reset everything?" timeline.

Confused? Me, too. Let's just go with it...we'll greet our cast of characters, one at at time...

Hey, look! Oceanic 815's in the air again. There's Cindy the "We're here to watch, Jack" flight attendant, offering little bottles to Dr. Unsatisfied Imbiber. Now...I've viewed this scene enough times to know that Cindy sneaks two bottles to Jack, not one. Is this Oceanic Flight 815? 'Cause I'm feeling kinda gipped...for Jack...I mean, he needs two bottles!

Hey, look! It's Rose! (The heart & soul of Lost, no doubt.) But why is Rose comforting Jack, instead of the other way around? "You can let go now," she gently submits.

OK...this is clearly alterna-world. This can't be Oceanic 815.

Jack takes a potty break and discovers a cut on his neck. I'm not even going to pretend to understand what this means, because I'm already bug-eyed (much like Ben) over these few opening minutes. Just go back to your seat, Dr. Shephard. Oh, look! It's Desmond.

DESMOND?!?

Jack senses familiarity with the Scotsman. The Scotsman is oblivious to this familiarity. And did anyone notice the wedding band on Desmond's left hand? (Unable to find a screencap of it, but trust me--it's there.) Yeah. I'm with Jack. Perplexed, looking out the plane's window...

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Why is Dharmaville/New Otherton underwater? And let's discuss the Dharma symbol on this shark. I didn't catch it upon first viewing, but it lept off my screen the second time. Clearly he's better down waaaaay where it's wetter.

Growing more nervous by the second and fearing the show had jumped the shark (literally & figuratively) in the first 5 minutes, I realized...um, y'all? We are no longer in Kansas anymore.

I echo our dearly departed Drive Shafter, Charlie: "Guys...where are we?" 'Cause it's kinda looking like Atlantis. I don't want it to be Atlantis. Did Jughead explode, thereby calmly sinking the island and sustaining minor damage to it, under the sea? Did it really go "Bloop!" as we saw at the end of Season 4, when Ben turned the wheel? My head is spinning. Thank God for a commercial break.

In a span of about 30 seconds, Kate (oh hey, Mr. Marshall!) meets Jack...

And Sawyer...
Typical. This Bermuda Triangle of a "love" triangle is really getting on my nerves. But I digress...

My second shout of the night goes to ARZT! No, I didn't get "some Arzt on me," (still my favorite line from season 1) but seeing him made me happy. Thank you, writers of Lost. It's the little things which keep this audience satisfied.

And why is Hurley so cheerful? "I'm the luckiest man in the world!" Again, we're clearly not in Kansas anymore. Or in Oz, for that matter. (Yes, Sawyer is reading. As per usual. Brilliant.)

Meanwhile Sun's enjoying the love affair that is Rose & Bernard (told y'all they're the heart and soul of the show) and Jin's enjoying her boobs. Ah, but as usual, these boobs are just for him. Button it up, Sun!

Hey, look--it's Frogurt! He's all safe and snuggled between Boone and Lock. But please love that he's wearing a red shirt. It's almost guaranteed that a flaming spear will find its way to Frogurt's heart, somehow, somewhere. Rest in Peace, Frogurt. Or continue napping in peace...whatever...

At first I was all, "No way would Boone ever be sitting in coach--Shannon wouldn't allow it." Then I realized..."Whoa...where's Shannon?" Boone explains her absence, but still...Boone without Shannon is like step-incest without...ok, ewwww...I can't even go there. Boone tells Locke (hey, John!), "If this plane goes down, I'm sticking with you!" Of course you are, Boone. Some things never change. (Except now Boone's a deliciously hot, evil brother on another network, but that's a vampire of a different color.)

Moving on...

The doctor on board is summonsed to help Cindy with a passenger locked in the restroom. Of course it's Charlie. And of course Jack is always fixing things.

Charlie, dude...there's no hope in dope. In your throat.

Let's not forget who broke down the bathroom door. Only my favorite ninja in the world, Sayid! Now that's what I'm talking 'bout! Finally! Someone who seems their usual, "normal" self. Or as normal as this lot can be.

After Jack has commenced with the fixing, he returns to his seat to find that Desmond is gone. When Jack questions Rose about Desmond's disappearance, she lies to him..."We were asleep." Uh, no Rose...you weren't. I know this because I rewound this scene and watched it three times. You and Bernard were not asleep, so why the fib? I still love you, Rose...you're my girl.

Captain Norris alerts the passengers of their impending arrival to Los Angeles, offering ground details such as the 72 degree temperature, 6 miles of visibility, and winds out of the southwest at 5 miles per hour.

Let's go over that again...72 degrees...6 miles visibility...winds at 5 MPH.

Notice the lack of the numbers? This might be reaaaaaaaally reaching, but we've spent the past five years having those numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) ingrained into our Lost consciousness, so it seems rather odd to have no reference to them here. OK, yes...2, 5, and 6 are all part of the ground details, and part of the numbers. Yet methinks that since we're obviously in a completely variant reality, the numbers must not be "in play" anymore. Hmmmm...

We see Ocean Flight ___ land in Los Angeles, and we catch Charlie shooting an eyeful of daggers at Jack. We also learn that, as in the "other" reality, John Locke is once again confined to his wheelchair.

The look of resignation on his face simply slayed me. I've never felt sorry for John, because he's never given me any reason to. (Well, there was that one time his Dad stole his kidney...and pushed him out of a building window...) "Don't tell me what I can't do!" has been his mantra, and he's proven over the past 5 years that he can do a whole darn lot. But I did feel sorry for him in this scene.

As the plane emptied, I wondered...where are...

Claire?

Walt and Michael? (And Vincent? I refuse to accept a show that doesn't have the dog!)

Ana Lucia?

Eko?

Libby?

Nikki and Paulo?

JUST KIDDING, y'all!

We'll leave the new flash-sideways behind, as the producers are calling it. What shall we call it? Flash-sideways? Alternate reality? Y'all Better Not Be Jumping The Shark With This New Storytelling Device? This Is So Confusing? Exactly.

I'm holding my judgement on this new tactic of narrative because it is a little intriguing to see both sides of the "Did they or did they not reset time?" speculation. I'll enjoy this "what if" scenario to a point. And then I would really like the writers to pick a path and end our Lost journey on the straight and narrow. Even though Lost is never straight and narrow. Even though the writers aren't listening to me. (Why aren't you listening to me, writers? Kidding.)

This is Kate's eye. Not Jack's, as we've come to know and love over the years. Kate's up in a tree. But not for long. She finds Miles, they sort out their hearing disorder (why do they sound as if they're underwater?), and it's back to the hatch we go!

This is my boyfriend. I mean, James "Sawyer" Ford. Also, my boyfriend.

"She's dead, you son-of-a-bitch, 'cause you were wrong!"

Dude, I've been telling Jack he's been wrong for the past two seasons, so you're preaching to the choir. Kick his ass, James! Oh wait...you did kick his ass, just a few moments ago. (Remember the Great Jungle Smackdown of the Season 5 Finale? That was good times.)

Not far from the imploded hatch, Sayid bleeds, Hurley brandishes a rifle, and Jacob saunters out with a very concerned expression on his face. As if he'd have another expression.

Concurrently, we return to New Locke and Ben, underneath the shadow of the statue, following the murder of Jacob. And this is Ben as we've never seen him before. 'Member when Ben was all badass and calling the shots and being the island's de facto leader? Yeah, he doesn't either.

Then we have Sun & Lapidus talking about some shiz...
And Richard and Ilana talking about some shiz...

But all that was kinda boring, so let's move on.

Well...lookie there, Ben. 'Member how you killed Locke, aka Jeremy Bentham? Still not feeling badass at all, are we?

Back at the ranch hatch, Kate hears the faint voice of Juliet. JULIET! She's ALIVE!!!! Because he's a manly man and because he's awesome, Sawyer springs into action. This involves ordering Jin around and a mad scramble to remove the debris surrounding the imploded area of the hatch.

Simultaneously, Jacob is dropping bombshells and instructions all over Hurley, who is, as usual, completely nonplussed to be talking with a dead dude. Jacob tells Hurley that he needs Charlie's guitar case to save Sayid. Ok, there's more to it than that, but my mind is still focused on JULIET!

Sawyer trips over Desmond's exercise bike and makes it to Juliet's battered and bloody side. "It didn't work," she moans. She reveals to Sawyer that she hit the bomb. "We're still on the island."

Above ground Kate is calling, "Sawyer!" and I still hate her.

Jack tells Hurley that he's unable to fix Sayid (wow--Mr. Fixer's not so fixy now, is he?), so Hurley grows a pair. And I applauded.

Across town the beach, Bram drags Ben to visit Fake Locke. Locke tells Bram, essentially, "Peace out!" Bram's not happy with this dismissal so he starts shooting. The Smoke Monster whirs. Destroys. Bram is staked through the heart. Ew.

Let's stop for a moment to discuss...not the ash (yes, we all saw Bram's protective barrier of ash--and we also saw him flung from said protection, and then staked.)...but the fact that a character named Bram was killed via a stake through the heart. Awesome. I love this show.

Upon Ben's utter breakdown, Fake Locke calmly retorts, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that." Dun-Dun-Duuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This opens up a new can of worms. So Fake Locke is the Smoke Monster? This means the Man in Black has been the Smoke Monster all along? How did Ben summon the Monster if he was unaware of Jacob's nemesis? Was he (Man in Black) being held captive by the ash around that dilapidated cabin? Was he the one eerily crying out, "Help me!" to the real John Locke back in season three's, "The Man Behind the Curtain?" (And not Jacob, as Ben falsely referred to him.) Click here for reference.

My head's hurting.

Let's return to the tragedy of my life. I mean, of this episode.

"Love is a smoke raised with the fumes of sighs;

Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes..." --from Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet

I really didn't watch to watch Juliet die. Again. Why the pain? Why the torture? Oh, for plot purposes, naturally.

Just before she passes, Juliet asks James if he'd like to "get coffee," offering to make it a dutch treat. Instantly I thought of Charlotte as she was dying..."I'm not allowed to have chocolate before dinner." Was Juliet seeing her alternate reality? One that included a java date with her James? Oh puh-lease can this be the case? I'd feel much better knowing that these two are destined to be together...eventually. (I hate Kate.)

Before the moment of supreme agony, Juliet also whispers to Sawyer that she must tell him "something really important."

And then she dies and I don't wanna discuss it anymore because I'm still not over it.

Neither is he...

This brings us to the end of the first hour. Hey, I never said brevity was my strongest trait.

Let's chat about the first 60 minutes of the final season of Lost. Suss it out in the comments, and we'll post the 2nd chapter of LA X very soon.

Aren't we so glad Lost is back? Amen!

*None of us here at Sussing Out Lost claim to be island geniuses. That's why we list our favorite Lost smarty pants over there on our sidebar. If you want to graduate from the Head of the Lost Class, be sure to read Entertainment Weekly's Jeff "Doc" Jensen. His analyses of each episode continue to astound and confound us. Seriously.